“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggone it, people like me.” This was the mantra of Stuart Smalley, one of Al Franken’s characters on Saturday Night Live. The skits were played for comedic effect and, as a teenager when I first saw them, I admit that I viewed the character with some judgement. But, I think that he was representing the inner voice that we all have; and truthfully, how often does that voice say such positive things? We call it the inner critic for a reason. Usually that voice tells us everything that is wrong with us, and how we will never be able to change. Elizabeth Scott, MS, a Diplomate at the American Institute of Stress, writes about The Toxic Effects of Negative Self-Talk. “Basically, negative self-talk is any inner dialogue you have with yourself that may be limiting your ability to believe in yourself and your own abilities, and reach your potential. It is any thought that diminishes you and your ability to make positive changes in your life or your confidence in your ability to do so.” She talks about the toll that this way of thinking has on us. It leads to higher levels of stress, and lower self-esteem. Some of the results of this are a limited view of our own potential, and sometimes a quest for perfection, where a job well done, or even great, isn’t good enough. Other effects of listening to this inner voice can be feelings of depression and trouble in all types of relationships. In reality, our inner critic has a positive intention. It believes that it is protecting us and at some point, much earlier in our lives, that was probably true. It could keep us from doing anything too dangerous, or something that we were totally unprepared to do. If we want to expand our capacity however, we must do things that take us out of our comfort zone, and the inner critic does not like that.
As much as a negative voice can take a toll on us, a positive inner conversation can aid us in many ways. Tim Legg, MD, writing for Healthline, confirms that your thoughts really create who you are, and how you act. “People are becoming more aware that positive self-talk is a powerful tool for increasing your self-confidence and curbing negative emotions. People who can master positive self-talk are thought to be more confident, motivated, and positive.” Affirmations seem corny to me, and I would feel uncomfortable repeating them in front of my bathroom mirror every morning. However, anything that we can do to neutralize a negative voice will benefit us. “If we engage in positive self-talk, we begin to view the world in a more positive manner and will ultimately feel better about ourselves. We can’t always control what happens, but we can control how we react to it.”
I walked into the living room a few years ago in time to hear my daughter say, “I’m so stupid.” She gets good grades in her Honors classes, has nice friends, and fulfills all of her responsibilities. Like anyone else, she has areas of her life that she needs to work on. It made me think about that inner voice that tries telling us that we are not good enough. At the time I did not have a good response to coach her in confronting that voice, so I probably said something like “that’s a silly thing to say.” Since then, I have been collecting techniques to deal with that inner voice so that I can provide her, and anyone else with guidance. First, you have to ‘catch your critic’. In other words, recognize when that voice is not providing good guidance. If it is saying something that you would not say out loud to a friend or your kids, then you shouldn’t say it to yourself. Next, give it a name. Whether it is Monkey Mind, The Gremlin, or, Debbie Downer, another character from SNL, naming is a way to recognize it, and put it in its place. Finally, I use a method I call ‘Cancel and Replace’, which I have learned is taught in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). When a negative thought pops into my head I immediately say “Cancel” to stop it in its tracks. I then replace that thought with the positive opposite. This takes work and commitment. However, if done consistently I believe that I can become the Master of my mind, rather than let my mind master me.