Last month I worked on a TV show at Culver studios, In the second week I was given a new partner to help with my project, someone I do not really like. Before we started working I felt I needed to clear the air, and I told him that I harbored a resentment from a previous encounter we had. During a slow period in the business I worked on a remodel for a Playmate’s condo in Beverly Hills. A Propmaker acquaintance called me saying that he was unable to work on a different side job that Saturday, and asked if I would take his place. The contractor, my new partner, told me that he really needed help, so I rearranged my scheduled day and showed up at his job. He walked me through the project, with the client present, and then told me, in front of everyone, that he could not use my help. Shocked, and annoyed, I returned to my job, and fortunately was able to finish what I needed to do that day without too much interruption. I never forgot that encounter, and described it to others whenever his name came up. Now, for the first time we were working as partners. He denied that the incident had ever occurred, which annoyed me even further. My low opinion of my partner was backed up by everyone else on the crew, and I felt the need to share it with everyone I talked to.
I know that talking about other’s faults is not ‘good’. From the golden rule “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” to the childhood rule “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”, I have heard it my entire life. So why do I feel the urge to talk about this one person? Roshi Nancy Mujo Baker writes in Tricycle magazine:
Sometimes there’s the need for reassurance that I’m right. Or that I’m good. Or that I’m at least not like that, whatever “that” may be… Also motivating us is the need to get someone over to my side about an issue. Most striking of all is the unconscious desire for intimacy with the one to whom I am speaking. But this is a delusion, since it is nothing but false intimacy. In fact, it’s amazing to think that we actually use speaking about the faults of others in order to feel connected. Notice the contradiction, the delusion, here: We use, and even create, separation from one thing or person to overcome separation from another! We are afraid of genuine contact, so we find something or someone to complain about or gossip about.
I am not sure which, if any or all, of those apply to me. But, I am eager to learn what lessons I can, as well as any techniques to avoid this in the future. In the same article Baker writes about the habit of putting down the political leaders we do not agree with. “What could be done in its place?”.
To really want to change this tendency, I believe, we have to realize that it will benefit us most of all. Abraham Maslow described a Hierarchy of Needs that explains how, once we have fulfilled our basic survival needs we can concentrate on ‘higher ‘ psychological and ‘self-fulfillment’ needs. He explains that in the ‘higher’ levels our motivation to improve increases as each level is reached. If it feels good, we want more and more of it. Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron, born Cheryl Greene in Los Angeles, is an American Tibetan Buddhist nun. She gives seven tips for giving up gossip:
1. Recognize that gossip doesn’t undo the situation you’re talking about. It only puts in motion another situation based on negative feelings.
2. Know that comparing yourself to others is useless. Everyone has his or her own talents. In this way, give up jealousy and the wish to put others down.
3. Be aware of and transform your own thoughts, words, and deeds rather than commenting on those of others.
4. Train your mind to see others’ positive qualities and discuss them. This will make you much happier than gossiping ever could.
5. Forgive, knowing that people do harmful things because they are unhappy. If you don’t make someone into an enemy, you won’t want to gossip about him.
6. Have a sense of humor about what you think, say, and do, and be able to laugh at all of the silly things we sentient beings carry out in our attempt to be happy. If you see the humor in our human predicament, you’ll be more patient.
7. Practice saying something kind to someone every day. Do this especially with people you don’t like. It gets easier with practice and bears surprisingly good results.